I just returned from Vegas and have this awful song (Rack City) stuck in my head but it's about stacking up your chips. I keep thinking about the figure of speech - cashing in your chips when it metaphorically relates to life. I am naive to believe each of us has a vault filled to the top with chances, future memories, missed opportunities, love, chaos, heartbreaks, etc.
Today was the first day back to real life from Vegas and I am forced to confront the concept that my mom is seriously if not terminally sick with cancer. Her vault was just plundered in a matter of days. I feel like I have been robbed because those are also my chips in there, too. Suddenly my chaos and heartbreak chips have tripled. A year ago I returned from this same trip feeling possibly in the best place of my new life with a new job and a clear outlook on the future. I had just spent the last several months recovering from a best friend suddenly dying and watching a once promising corporate career lose its luster. Jess's passing gave me the courage to give up a paycheck I was so proud of and move into the startup world. In a year I have rarely been sad.
I feel foolish because I came back from an experience meant to bring me closer to friends/coworkers as combative, angry, extra sensitive. I assure you, it is because I am feeling like my worlds are in an upside down snow globe; not because I am certifiably crazy. Positivity and normalcy will resume but are on a serious pause right now. Deep breaths.
She is always the glue, the caretaker and the matriarch. I admittedly am not a joiner of people. Mom as the middle of 8 siblings always has played that role. It comes naturally to her and was not a personality trait passed down. If something happens, I am not sure how to take care of my father emotionally, continue repairing a now healthy relationship with my sister and keeping myself together. Is this the early onset of a nervous breakdown?
The next step is surgery. Having the surgeons agree to perform it was a victory in itself. I have never raised a glass to celebrate such a thing, but I did today. Small victories reign supreme in this current state, especially when you know the months/days/minutes ahead are uncertain. In fact the only certainty is that the odds of adding to my stack of heartbreak chips are high. All on red.
1 comment:
Oh sweetheart. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers constantly.
It's ok to take life one day or even step at a time. Allow yourself time to experience all of your emotions and don't push to be "normal".
Please keep us updated as your mom moves through her treatment. We'll also raise our glass to surgeons willing to take on her case.
We love you so much and will keep your mom and your family very close to our hearts.
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